A Reddit user who claims to be a 28-year-old woman expecting twins has come under fire for her decision to exclude her infertile sister-in-law from her upcoming baby shower.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC’s) most recent National Survey on Family Development, 8.5 percent of married women ages 15 to 49 in the U.S. are infertile.

Jane, the 38-year-old sister-in-law at the center of the story shared by Reddit user u/Square-Spirit7985 is among them. Writing in the post, the mom-to-be behind the Reddit account explained that her sister-in-law “was unable to have a baby after over a decade of trying and multiple rounds of IVF [in vitro fertilization].”

Things came to a head a few days ago when the pregnant woman’s extended family, including Jane, came to see her at her home. The conversation was dominated by babies and, according to the post, Jane “looked somewhat uncomfortable” during these conversations.

Things would soon go from bad to worse. “My sister said I was really lucky to get pregnant with twins right after I started trying,” the woman wrote. “After that, Jane began to cry and left the room.”

When the woman went to talk to her about it, Jane told them she “feels awful” that she has to hear them talk about babies all the time. “She went on a long rant about how she feels left out because she’s the only one of us without a child now,” the woman wrote.

She said her sister-in-law feels their mom “treats her like less” and that now that the woman is pregnant “they don’t talk about anything but kids.”

“She said it’s insensitive when we know she’s sterile,” the woman wrote. While those feelings are totally valid, the pregnant woman was confused as she noted that her sister-in-law “insists on coming to all the gender reveals and baby showers and birthday parties, but she spends her whole time there drowning in her misery and even starts crying a few times”.

While he no doubt “feels bad for her,” he thinks it would be best if he invited her from her upcoming baby shower to keep her from “bringing negativity” to what’s supposed to be a celebration.

However, when the woman broached the idea with her mom, she warned her against it. “He said we shouldn’t because they are family and we need to support them instead of shutting them out even more,” the woman wrote.

An expert’s opinion

Jami Dumler, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in family conflict, life transitions and postpartum/pregnancy with Thriveworks, a national mental health provider, urged more caution in addressing a “deeply sensitive” topic.

“Many women find it incredibly painful to discuss pregnancy, childbirth and parenting while grieving their own struggles with infertility. complex emotions and dynamics,” Dumler said Newsweek.

“In such cases, focusing on intentions and connections within the relationship is vital. Treatment and coping with infertility varies greatly from person to person, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution. It is important to recognize that neither party no harm intended — neither to overshadow nor to exclude both struggle with their own challenges and try to deal with them as best they can.

Dumler believes it is necessary to create a “caring and empathetic space” to discuss these issues in a way that puts “open communication and relationship maintenance” at the forefront of every conversation.

“The mother-to-be could initiate a one-on-one conversation by recognizing her sister-in-law’s feelings and expressing her feelings using “feeling” statements. “Feeling” statements follow the formula “feeling (insert feelings) , when it happens (insert event/action), I would love to (insert goal/solution/need),” Dumler explained.

“In this scenario, the ‘I feel’ statement might sound something like, ‘I feel heartbroken for you and also in a difficult place when I’m trying to celebrate something great, but I see someone I love struggling so much at baby showers.’ I’d really like to find a way to support you while being able to celebrate without worry or negative interactions in the shower Can we talk about this and find a solution together?’ This approach fosters understanding and opens the door to finding solutions that both people support.”

She suggested they work to “set boundaries” at events like baby showers. This could mean that the sister-in-law will only attend part of the event or walk out if she starts to feel overwhelmed. “By validating each other’s perspectives and working together to find common ground, difficult situations can be navigated with compassion and respect.”

What Social Media Says

Many commenters on Reddit were less forgiving. “Her trauma is not your fault,” one user wrote. “I also struggled with fertility issues. It was really hard to see my friends get pregnant,” said a second. “I didn’t make other people deal with my sadness when they were experiencing the joy of pregnancy.”

A third added: “A baby shower is a happy event for you and your baby, not for his infertility. I feel for Jane and can’t imagine how difficult her situation must be but people shouldn’t be walking on eggshells and stop sharing their joys or talking about their children because they are around.”

Newsweek contact u/Square-Spirit7985 for comment. We were unable to verify the details of the case.

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